Speak Now
by TaciteMuse
Summary: I knew that by going through the Stargate, we brought Death closer with every breath. And yet now, facing it, I realized that I wasn't ready to go. I hadn't told him... [SJ]


**Title: **Speak Now  
**Rating: **PG  
**Pairing:** Sam:Jack  
**Season**: Four/Five-ish  
**Summary: **I knew that by going through the Stargate, we brought Death closer with every breath. And yet now, facing it, I realized that I wasn't ready to go. I hadn't told him...

Author's Note: I found this somewhere on my hard-drive, and it's really old (by my standards, that is.) So it's overly angtsy and mellow dramatic, but I thought I might as well post it. :P You are allowed to poke fun at it.

* * *

**Speak Now  
**-OneShot-

You know how they always say, "Don't die with any last regrets?"

Well, that's kind of hard.

Death comes at you fast. And frankly, you don't see it coming most of the time.

But you _feel_ it.

Deep in your soul. That gnawing, fearful, ever certain assurance that one of these days, you won't be coming back.

That's why every time I see someone step through that 'Circle of Darkness', my breath catches. Because I know that they may not come back. That _I_ may not come back. That by going through that wormhole, I'm shortening my life.

Death comes at you fast- we're simply speeding it up.

So before I go through, sometimes I ask myself: have I 'made my peace'? Can I die and not be upset that I didn't do anything?

Ever since he came into my life, that answer has been a hesitant 'No'.

Sometimes I wish we'd never discovered the Stargate. Because of it, so much has happened- and you don't know where to began.

I met him, for starters. Met this hardened, stubborn jack ass of a man who had a hell of a hard time saying he was wrong or sorry- but who could relate to almost anything. Anyone.

And I fell in love with him.

I'm not sure when I realized it- maybe the first hint was when we first went to the Land of Light, and that bug got into our systems. When he made that tank top comment, and I wasn't offended.

Or when Hathor was all over him- and my instincts were screaming at me to rip her head of those sexy shoulders.

It grew, secreted away in that distant part of me not dedicated to science and knowledge. Finally, when he wouldn't leave me, wouldn't save his own skin because _I_ was in danger, and we couldn't speak those words growing in our dry mouths…

I guess that's when I knew. I loved Colonel Jack O'Neill.

And I couldn't.

Supposedly, these rules and regulations are there for our benefit. To protect us and the people who depend on us. And I can see how that one rule does- the one that says a CO and subordinate can't have a relationship.

But _damn_, let me tell you it hurts.

So I ignored it. Maybe if I didn't encourage it, or try to love him, it'd go away. Like a bad dream.

Apparently love doesn't work that way.

One effect the Stargate has it that it brings people into our lives. Several of them women… several of _those_ ones that have… had relations with Jack.

Kynthia (under the influence of drugs on his part, but still…). Hathor (though she went more for Daniel). Laira (how it hurt to watch them say goodbye). Anise (at least the host). Hell- I've even seen _myself_ making out with him.

And the entire time I denied that little feeling of love.

When Death is imminent- when you simply know that you will die this time, finally- there is a sense of relief.

For once, all that tension, all that waiting, is over.

But when I realized that there was no ingenious plan to save our camouflaged hides, no lucky chance that would allow us one last window of opportunity…

I realized that I would die with one regret.

I had never said those forbidden words; I had never told him that I loved him.

--

She felt the cold concrete pressing against her knees and knew the massive hands of two brutish Jaffa were gripping her arms after having pushed her to a kneeling position, but everything else… was blurry. Major Carter forced her mind to focus, to pick one object and concentrate on it until the world sharpened.

Her blue eyes continued to watch O'Neill as she remembered to breathe, however slightly.

He was smiling at her. Not a friendly smile, not that 'Oh, so you just realized that I'm two steps ahead of you?' smirk. Not even a hint of an implying smile, like the one that had had her guessing after he had been stuck in the time loop.

This was a Goa'uld smile. Fitting for the snakelike creature now residing in his brain.

The gold ornaments on his elaborate dress jingled softly as he shifted his weight, still studying her. She knew how she would look: ash and dirt smeared across her face, hair unwashed for several weeks now, fatigues ripped almost artistically in several places (though those happened by accident).

Defiant. Stunned. Still in shock. A hint of the fighting spirit?

Altanoc increased his grin and she still couldn't tear away her eyes.

So little time had passed since this newest Goa'uld had taken over SGC from both 'Gate and above ground, and yet it seemed like forever.

She wasn't sure what had happened to Daniel; a half whispered rumor spoke of his torture at the hands of Sha'uri, who had somehow survived when they had thought her dead.

Teal'c was formally executed in front of all Altanoc's Jaffa, a long and slow process that he had been silent throughout- except when they murdered his wife and child.

And Jack- Jack had been deemed a suitable host for this Goa'uld. So now he stood before her, clad in Goa'uld finery, while she felt the blood loss continue to drain her.

Because of Jollinar, she was unsuitable. Unable to bear another Goa'uld. A potential threat if made a slave.

So she would die.

An aching sorrow ate away at her heart, even through the shock and weariness.

Maybe now she knew how her alternate had felt.

He bent, vicious cruelty in his face, and smiled. Sam struggled to form a coherent word, still somehow locked in his gaze.

"Jack." Just a whisper, but Altanoc lifted an eyebrow and then smirked, as though coming up with a brilliant idea.

Then he leaned forward and kissed her.

And in that moment, when she almost recoiled in disgust, Sam realized that for just a second, he wasn't a Goa'uld.

Not a snake wrapped around his brain.

Not the thing that had ordered the slaughter of millions of Tau'ri.

He was just… Jack.

And it said everything that they hadn't been able to. Into that bittersweet kiss Major Samantha Carter breathed three words that said everything that mattered now, when there was nothing else left.

"I love you."

Then Altanoc pulled away, apparently unaware that he had lost control for a moment, and hadn't heard the sentence- the silent emotions- that had passed between the two of them.

"Kill her." The Goa'uld turned, stalking away, and Sam felt at last sweet release.

What ever remained of Jack in there wouldn't have to remember killing her- seeing her blood on his hands.

Though she would have given her life gladly to save him.

Maybe, wherever they were going next (through a sheppai for souls?), she'd let him take her fishing.

After all, if the fish grew as big there as they did in Minnesota, there was more than enough for all of them…

**FINI**


End file.
